Horses are great teachers. I’ve learned more about myself from my horses than any of many life lessons. Horses are a great mirror to your soul. When reflection is crystal clear, sometimes…you don’t like what you see. I have many strengths, including a great deal of perseverance; in life, work, in personal relationships. I’m a hang in there sort of gal. But a personal weakness is that when I’ve taken something to the line, crossed the line, and dug a trench I will cut loose the thing that gives me sadness pain, frustration, grief, worry; all those uncomfortable unhappy sort of things. When I cut it loose finally it is gone. It is as dead as stone. My heart won’t resurrect a person or revisit that thing. It isn't that I can't forgive, it is that I cannot hurt. It has long been a sense of self-preservation wrought by things deeper than this blog will ever entertain. Much of this thought process rolled through my mind and down the reins as we slogged through the miles, the heat, and the humidity yesterday. Riding the trail felt much like grasping a wisp of smoke in the wind. The farther we went, the deeper my frustration to be so close to thing I’ve wanted for so long. Yet there I sat, on the same horse which I happily covered 30 miles in 5:38 just a bit over a week ago. So what has changed? I’m tired, maybe Journey is tired too. She has worked consistently since last May. Twenty, twenty-five, thirty, sometimes 40 miles in a week. I was very proud of Journey post Maumee ride. She did her part. We were a solid team.
I failed miserably in the team approach yesterday. My heart wasn’t in the ride. I've allowed things and people who do not matter to color the lens of my experience. I was seeing only the half empty cup...questioning myself, and my horse. What if I’ve taken it too incredibly seriously for the value it is returning to my life? Maybe three horses from scratch is one too many? It is difficult to make it to the precipice three times, on three horses, but not be able to make that final leap to fulfillment for many complex reasons. Yesterday I reached epic frustration level , none of which should be owned by Journey. She is a sweet, forgiving, fun and lively little horse. Our animals are very sensitive creatures. I wonder yesterday what translated down the reins?
Time to step back. Clear out the cobwebs. Put things in context of their importance. Create some goals that are in level with our circumstances. Look at where I'm at, instead of where we are going. I've reminded myself a thousand times that it is the journey...not the destination. Then I get tripped up in exactly the opposing view. So cut loose the whining, the moaning, the I'm going to DIE FROM THIS circumstance and do something constructive to our situation. I REFUSE to give up. My horse is sound of mind and body, she is a compliant (for the most part) little soul. She can do it. She just isn't as there as I thought she was. Time to adjust how we do things...when I am able to work that out mentally...I'll climb back on the horse (literally).